Uh huh...

Dear Client of Mine,

I am an Event Coordinator. I have unlimited resources at my disposal. I always keep at least ten meeting rooms under my desk that can be shipped overnight to any hotel that doesn’t fit the need you didn’t mention when you requested the space. Yes, I have the tools to make any hotel’s meeting rooms bigger or smaller, often with no turnaround time required. I can also remove structural pillars from your space and/or personally install windows as needed.

I know you wanted the ballroom closer to the escalator, the one that was already booked. I can only throw myself on your mercy and grovel at your feet -- I completely agree that it is inconceivable that the hotel should have any other groups booked into their facility during your program. I am checking on moving the escalator as we speak.

Naturally, it will be no problem to turn your plenary session for 600-schoolroom setup into a hollow square for 150 with rear screen projection, simultaneous Japanese translation and satellite hook-up during your 15 minute coffee break. Unfortunately, however, due to space constraints, and the fact that your final program bears no resemblance whatsoever to your contracted space, we will have to suspend your lunch buffet from the ceiling above your plenary session, and then suck the gravity out of the ballroom.

I have located the boxes that you sent last month under your mother's maiden name to the hotel down the street, and again, apologize for not having found them sooner.

In answer to all your questions, it is, of course, understood that I am telepathically aware of all your speakers’ needs and will have the hotel set up an overhead, LCD panel, dual slide projectors, two screens, laser pointer, podium microphones, two table-top microphones, podium knock-out switch, timer and blue M&Ms in each room, at no extra charge, just in case they are needed. Of course, we will have an A/V technician, sound engineer, caterer, and baby-sitter in all breakout rooms, and I will personally be in all seven rooms at all times.

Finally two more things that you might want to share with your attendees: 1) We will set the thermostat in the room to alternately increase and decrease the temperature by 5 degrees every 15 minutes, so no need to ask; and, 2) The ladies’ room is the one with "ladies" on the sign. The men’s room is the..... well, you get the point.

If you need anything else, of course, please let me know. I am available by cell phone 24 hours a day just for you.

Thanks.